“I’m not sure about what happened in that meeting. I asked if they were OK with what we agreed to and they each said yes. But I’m not convinced.”

Does this ever happen to you? I have this conversation with a coaching once a week, on average.

My response never varies: “Say to them what you just said to me. Say, ‘I know you say you agree with this, but I’m not convinced.'”

Often, I hear this: “I wanted to tell them that this can’t work. I wanted to say that the what they asked me to do is not only impossible, it will get them a result exactly opposite the one they want.”

“What stopped you?”
“I could never say that.

And then, you do say that, but not to the person who needs to hear it and not at the time it could do some good.

A participant once came up with a ground rule I love:  This is the cab ride home.  This meeting, this conversation, this moment.

If you think you should be doing “it” better, you’re suffering needlessly.

A Director-level client told me about a recent conversation she’d had with a colleague, a department head. The department head was working herself into a fury, reiterating that my client should be doing a better job of “it.” Each time my client skillfully asked for more clarity, she got more cranky intensity. Running out of cleverly worded repartee, my client said:

“What is ‘it?’”
“I beg your pardon?” said the department head.
“This ‘it’ you keep referring to, the thing I should be doing. What exactly is ‘it?’”
“You should know what ‘it’ is.”
“I don’t.”
“But you are the Director – you should know.”
“I don’t know. Will you tell me?”

And she did. “It” was a simple list of 4 things the department head needed from the director. The director wrote them down, and made sure they got done.

What I love about this conversation is:

• The director stayed grounded, calm and helpful.
• She did not take the crankiness personally.
• She did not get defensive and fire back her own “should.”
• She did not shy away from the crankiness.
• By interrogating the crankiness directly, she broke through a years-old stalemate between departments.

You can have similar, struggle-free results.  Most conversations are built on assumptions. The tricky thing about assumptions is they exist just out of our awareness, much like the foundation of a house. If, like a foundation, they were made of steel-reinforced concrete, there would be no problem. But our assumptions are made of the merest gossamer, wispy and hard to pin down. It’s easy to exceed their load-bearing limits. Basing your working agreements on assumptions leads to disappointment, which leads to unfortunate conclusions, which leads to judgments, which will get you horribly stuck, sometimes for years. Best to ferret out those assumptions as quick as you can.

There are three signs that assumptions are at work in the above conversation:

• The level of intensity/crankiness escalates as the conversation goes on.

• The use of the word “should” (Scratch crankiness hard enough and a “should” always leaps out).

• The use of the word “it.”

Like the three horsemen of the apocalypse, these signal big conversational trouble. I hope you like horses, because you’ve got to move toward these to get back on track.

How to interrogate an assumption (and not the person making it)

1. Calmly comment on the level of intensity/crankiness. “I’m getting a bit bowled over by your energy on this. Tell me what that’s about.” Or “You’ve raised your voice and leaned forward in your chair each time you talk about my campaign for bunnies in the workplace. Which makes me wonder: Do you think I’m crazy?”
2. Comment on the word “should.” “I’m getting distracted by the word “should” which you’ve used 3 times in the last few seconds. What is it I should know or be doing?”
3. Comment on the word “it. ”I’m sure I should know what “it” means, but I’m not at all clear. Could you give me the specifics again?”

In horror movies, there is always the terrifying knocking in the closet that no one wants to explore. It has to be investigated before the plot can continue, and we hang on the edge of our seats as the door swings open to reveal.. a truth we hadn’t imagined.  Assumptions are like that. You won’t know what the conversation is about until you look in the closet.

The point of developing listening skills is not to show off  your virtuosity at paraphrasing, summarizing and asking a penetrating open-ended question.   It’s not so you can dazzle with your brilliance.  You don’t listen carefully so you can argue with someone about what they did or didn’t say, or what they did or didn’t mean.  (A client once told me how he’d used his smart pen to play back a conversation so he could prove that his colleague had used a particular phrase. Just thinking about this makes me cringe.)  Listening is not a weapon.  Listening is transformational, capable of turning the most mundane conversation into a rich exploration.  And what makes the difference is not perfect technique or perfect recall.  The difference is your intention.

If you aren’t interested in what someone has to say, all the listening skills in the world won’t help you.  But if you’re curious, even the most basic listening skills can make an encounter fascinating.  So if you’re not listening to prove yourself or to “win,” what are you listening for?

You listen so you can help your client have the best conversation they’ve had all week.  You listen to make them smarter.   We’ve all had moments when we aren’t even listening to ourselves, much less to anyone else.  Everyone does, no matter where they sit on the org chart.  Just this morning, in pilates class, my teacher said “put your heels on the bar” while reaching down and putting my toes on the bar.  When I said “Heels or toes?”  She flushed, laughed out loud and slowed down, being much more careful, thoughtful and specific for the rest of the class.  Isn’t that what we all want from our conversations?  Even if you are an administrative assistant, and your clients are high on you company’s org chart, you can use listening skills to help them slow down and listen to that crazy sentence that just came out of their mouth.  There’s another reason to listen, one that’s especially relevant for consultants.

You listen to prevent yourself from working harder than your client.  We’ve all done it: We find ourselves doing most of the talking, probably because we are anxious about our ability to help, or excited at the opportunity to make a difference or just plain loopy from exhaustion.  When you’re doing most of the talking, you’re going to end up with most of the responsibility.  If you were hoping to establish a partnership, you’ve just sent the wrong message.  Listening skills help you stop talking and listen.  This alone will make you appear more thoughtful, smarter, and more helpful.  It will make you act like a thought partner.

The choice is simple:  Show them how smart you are and stay a pair-of-hands in their eyes, or activate your curiosity and listen your way into thought partnership.  Here’s how to jumpstart your curiosity:

1. Stop talking.

2. Stop formulating your brilliant response.

3. You must interest yourself first.  Let the silence between you grow big enough to hold a brand new idea.    Let the silence inside you grow big enough for several ideas to collide and turn into wondering.   When the silence in you is big enough to hold your ignorance – the things you don’t know about the person you’re talking to, about their goals, their sensitivities, their strengths, or about the situation – then it’s time to ask a question.

4.  Ask from the wellspring of your interest.  Don’t worry about the right technique or the right phrasing.  If you are fascinated, the question will phrase itself and the conversation will come alive.

Curiosity and genuine interest are contagious.  Fascinate yourself first.

If you think confronting your boss is a your ticket to the unemployment line, keep reading.

Mike dropped a blue folder on my desk and said:

“Building Effective Partnerships.  Base it on the Boston University model and teach it to physicians and programmers.  That’s your new assignment from Diane.” he said.

We were both staring at the blue folder.

I said: “I haven’t met Diane yet.  Is she…is this…”

“Does she usually make assignments through someone else?  Is she blind to the irony of assigning a training on ‘Building Effective Partnerships’ through a third party?”  Mike was grinning at me.

“Yes.   And, is our entire relationship going to be like this?  What if I have questions?”  We were both grinning now.

“Questions like, is this whole thing just an exercise, or does she mean it?’” Mike’s eyebrows bounced up and down, lending an air of intrigue to our conversation.

“Especially that one”

“She’s in her office right now.  Go ask her yourself,” said Mike as he limped out of my office.

Mike and I were both disabled, he from birth, and me from a recent injury.  The duration of my disability was unclear, but it had cost me my job as a technical writer and career as a bass player.   I was back at work after months away, sporting a cast on my arm and the hand-writing of a 5-year-old.  I’d been promoted 3 levels after completing a training and development internship in training and development and now reported to Diane.  Today was the forth day of the first job of my new career and it was off to a bad start

I was thinking about all that as I walked into Diane’s office and introduced myself. I sat in the proffered chair and thanked her for the Partnership Training assignment.  As we talked, I learned thinkgs that would come in handy later.  Assuming there would be a “later.”  As the conversation started to wind down, I took a deep breath.

“There’s no graceful way to ask this next question, Diane.  I hope you won’t find it offensive.  Is the training something you’re committed to, or is it more of an exercise?”

Diane was staring at me.  The light had gone out of her eyes.  I plunged ahead:  “It’s just that giving me the assignment through Mike didn’t seem like an act of partnership.  So I wondered if partnering was something we’d be doing ourselves as well as teaching to our clients.  Because if we aren’t practicing partnership with each other, I’ll still do my best work.  It just won’t do much good.

Diane looked thoughtful, then leaned forward and locked her eyes on mine.   I was certain I was about to be fired.

“This training has my full commitment.  The CIO is expecting it within 2 months, and he’s fully committed too.  We have to change this relationship, and you have the skills to help us.  Will you do that?”

“Yes.  It’s a wonderful assignment, and I’d love to help.”

“Good.  As for the way you got the assignment, I apologize.  I didn’t think it through.  I promise you it won’t happen again.”

In the 5 years I worked for her, it never did.

So, why didn’t I lose my job?  Here’s the anatomy of confrontation:

0. Connect first.  I’d just met the woman.  We needed to get acquainted.

1. Prepare them.  I used “I” statements that showed I was about to say something difficult, and that I regretted having to do s

2. Reveal more.  When she was looking daggers at me, I told her more of the story in my head, and more about what mattered to me instead of folding up like a broken lawn chair.

3. Honor their outcome.  What mattered to me was doing the best possible job in service of her desired outcome.  If the training was perfunctory, I was OK with that.  I was there to learn.

4. Delete the judgment.  Every statement was matter-of-fact, calm and judgment-free.

5. Be your intention.  My intention was to be helpful, period:  I exuded helpfulness.  I was helpfulness.

It’s steps 3, 4 and 5 that make you irresistible.  Steps 0-2 just make it a smoother ride.

If you’re thinking “You think that was hard?  Ha!  One time I had to…”  I hope you’ll tell me all about it in the comments below.

This morning’s doodle is about saying no at work and living to tell the tale.     Saying no can be scary or feel selfish.  Saying it too often can earn you a reputation as uncooperative or insubordinate.   Saying no can get you fired.

Saying yes has its pitfalls too:  If you say yes to everything, you’ll soon be saying no because time is finite. Something will fall off the list and it might be your health, your marriage, or your comics collection.  There are only so many hours in a day, and only so many of those are high quality.  You want to say no to the wrong things so you can say yes to the right ones.  And you’d like to keep your job, and enjoy it.   Take heart!  Saying no is easier – and safer – that you think.

Here’s how:

1.  Make a list with 2 parts:  What do you always want to say yes to?  What do you always want to say no to?  Here’s my list:

I am always saying yes to:

• Doing my best work, the work that only I can do
• Learning and growth
• Work that meets my client’s cost-benefit test, ie.,  gives value beyond cost
• Deeply understanding what my clients need and want
• Keeping our relationship clean and vibrant

I am always saying no to:

• Burnout – all varieties
• Work that doesn’t bring me and my client alive
• Work that harms my client or their group
• Work that doesn’t make sense to me
• Being treated badly, overlooked or undervalued

What’s on your list?  Take the time to write yours down now.   Keeping your list to no more than 10 will keep it lively and force you to eliminate repetition.  Please share it in the comments, if you’re willing.

After you get clear about your yes and your no, it’s time for the next step.

2. Give voice to the yes and the no, in the same sentence.  Yes and no are related, two sides of the same coin.  Here’s an example:  “I want to help you grow membership; I’m not yet seeing how what you propose will accomplish that.”  Too direct for you?  No problem.  Try this:  “I want to help you grow membership.  Help me understand how what you propose will do that.”  Still too direct?  Here’s my final offer:  “I want to help you grow membership.  So far, I’m not seeing how what you propose will get the gains you’re hoping for.  What am I missing?”

Here’s an extended example of using my “no” to bound or limit my yes.

You: “I love what you’re proposing and want to jump right in!  Thank you for the opportunity to do such exciting work.  At this moment, I’m unable to see how all this is possible in the time frame you’ve outlined.  What are your thoughts about that?”

Business partner/client/colleague: “You’re the expert.  You’ll figure it out.”

You: “Thanks for that.  In my experience, jumping into a project of this complexity without determining realistic time-frames leads to last minute decisions that aren’t in the best interested of the business. (pause)  I recommend we prioritize your list so we can hold on to what’s most important.”

3.  Let your intention shout yes, even as your words say no.  You are always saying yes to the relationship with your client, customer, boss or colleague.  If you don’t mean “I want to help you,” then you need to go back to your list and figure out what you aren’t giving voice to.