CG #23- Who’s Responsible for Bad Meetings? You are.

Posted on March 14, 2013 Written by Leave a Comment

If you think it’s the leader’s job to make a meeting great, you’re going to be in a LOT of bad meetings.  Especially if you’re the leader.

Word Count:  598

Reading Time: About a minute

“You see but you do not observe.”

Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock

Meetings are a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

How does a leader get participation without losing control, stay on task without offending anyone, and get to a result while everyone is still young?

By enlisting the help of their participants.  Participants, no need to wait for an invitation to help out.

Here are a few useful facts about groups to get you started:

1. Groups are terrifying.  Pick up a copy of Robert’s Rules of Order and ask yourself why it takes a 700-page book of instructions to run a meeting.   I think it was terror.  Captain Roberts was dealing with an unruly, armed mob.  He had good reason to be frightened.

Public speaking in the number 1 fear in survey after survey.  Speaking in a meeting is speaking in public even when there isn’t an armed mob.

Meetings have to be designed with terror in mind:  The leader’s terror and the attendee’s terror.  This fear makes us do crazy things like give the same impassioned speech over and over, get tongue-tied at the worst possible time or say the wrong thing.  We might blame the leader and not take any responsibility for the meeting.  The leader might find participants unequal to the task.  No one is at their best when they are frightened.  Let’s throw away the big book and be merciful with each other.

2. Authority is unavoidable.  There is always a final decision-maker.  I’m not sure who started the rumor that meetings have to be designed to disguise this fact, but that isn’t the case.  Authority that is transparent and fair can be a relief.  Just because a group will energetically debate a point doesn’t mean they really care about it.  A decision that goes too long is a sign to step in and decide.  A group can be like a little kid who is tired, but heroically fighting sleep.  If you’re the leader, check with the group then make the decision.  If you’re a group member, you can ask for a decision.

3. There is no ideal meeting.  Real meetings are messier than your fantasy meeting, while being satisfying and productive.  They do not require recovery time at the water cooler or in the cab ride to the airport.  The best meetings are those the leader and participants co-create in the moment.  Speak up when it’s not working.  And don’t just criticize.  Make a suggestion.

4. Try Another Way.   I still remember the training film I saw my first day as a Music therapist at Sonoma State Hospital.  It featured scene after scene with a therapist trying to get the attention of a profoundly retarded hospital resident.  The therapist would repeat the same behavior over and over getting louder and more frustrated.  The resident would remain unresponsive.  Just as I was pondering which one of them was truly retarded, a disembodied voice would boom:  “TRY ANOTHER WAY.”  In the new scene, a new therapist would do something that successfully engaged the resident.   Something else.

You’re going to have to say things more than once and in more than one way.  This is the nature of communication under stress.  Try something you haven’t yet tried.  I’m not talking about theatrics.  Your job is to find a way to get heard.

Groups are a little like container ships:  It takes a mile to turn them.  Persist.

What are your thoughts about meetings?

 

 

Filed Under: better meetings, collaboration

CG #22 – Are You Collaborating or Just Giving In?

Posted on March 8, 2013 Written by Leave a Comment

Think you can compromise your way to collaboration?  I see it differently.

Word Count: 482

Reading Time: 1.5 minutes

Collaboration and compromise are not related. They don’t even hang out together.

Here are definitions of each from the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

Compromise: 1. Settlement of differences by mutual concessions.

b : Something intermediate between, or blending qualities of two different things

Collaborate: 1. to work jointly with others especially in an intellectual endeavor

In compromise, you reconcile differences by letting go of something you care about. Or you ask others to do that.  According to  Merriam-Webster, concession is:  something done or agreed to usually grudgingly in order to reach an agreement or improve a situation.

While expedient for moving past differences, compromise has nothing to do with collaboration.

Collaboration builds; compromise weakens.

I know what you’re thinking:  But, if we’ve reached an impasse and are running out of time, shouldn’t we compromise and move on?

If you don’t mind the “grudgingly” part, sure.  If you are prepared to live with “grudgingly” for the rest of your time on the planet, by all means, compromise.

But I think it’s worth a minute or two reach for collaboration.

Collaboration has 3 cardinal rules:

1. We uncover our common goal and stick to it like glue.

2. We bring all of ourselves in service of the common goal, especially those parts that make us vulnerable.

3.  We don’t ask for or make concessions; we look for whole-hearted solutions.

Facilitating Collaboration

When you facilitate a compromise, your goal is resolving differences.  If we can’t all agree on A or B, then let’s make C out of what we can get past the censors.  No one is happy with the result, but we’ all put a good face on it.  Often, we are so exhausted, we’re just glad the conversation is over.  Compromises are not enduring.  They come apart under the tiniest jostling, like wallpaper over a crack.  That’s why compromise leads to feeble follow-through and resentments that simmer, sometimes for generations.

When open discussion is your default meeting process, compromise is the best you can hope for.

If the fissures in your group keep popping up and derailing your momentum, this is the most likely cause.

Facilitating collaboration requires a complex skillset.  It will feel all wrong at first, like you’re about to break your group.  That’s because “working jointly” is not the same as agreeing.  It’s more like taking a journey together.  You don’t march in lockstep to your destination, you arrive.

A transparently fair, structured process that is consistently applied is what collaboration needs.  You probably think this takes more time and will silence individual voices, but it does the opposite:  It’s much faster, yields a better result, and builds a creative, resilient group or relationship.  It’s this paradox that makes collaborating so deeply rewarding.

Take one tiny step toward collaboration

1.  Notice.  Are the meetings you attend set up for collaboration or compromise?  The meetings you lead?  (Hint:  Structured meeting processes hinder compromise and support collaboration.  Do you use them?)

Notice your reaction to this newsletter.  Do you see it differently?  Tell me what you see in the comments.

Next week I’ll talk more about the specifics of collaboration.  There’s a lot to say and more to practice.  We’ll take it bit-by-bit, and keep it easy and fun.

 

 

Filed Under: better meetings, collaboration

CG #21 – Do Presentations Kill Productivity?

Posted on February 27, 2013 Written by 2 Comments

Word Count: 681

Reading Time:  1.5 minutes

When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done, especially in meetings

I’m in Powell’s books in Portland, Oregon, making a beeline for the business section so I can luxuriate in all their books on meetings.  I spot it:  “Meetings,” three glorious shelves of books.  The first 6 titles are on presenting, but never mind, I’m sure there will be some good books on running a collaborative work session, the limits of Robert’s Rules, some really solid advice about getting to action in a group.  Nope.   Most of the books on the “Meetings” shelves are  about making a presentation.  The rest are detailed explanations about using Robert’s Rules of Order.

If the bookshelves at Powell’s are any indication, meetings are where you go to talk, or to listen to others read dense PowerPoint slides aloud.   There seems to be little hope that meetings can be any better than this, which I find tragic.  Because there is not a shred of evidence that supports the value of meeting like this.

Consider these facts about the human brain:

1. “As you no doubt have noticed if you’ve ever sat through a typical PowerPoint presentation, people don’t pay attention to boring things (Brain Rule #4). You’ve got seconds to grab someone’s attention, and only 10 minutes to keep it. At 9 minutes and 59 seconds, something must be done quickly—something emotional and relevant.” From the book, Brain Rules, by John Medina

2. “It is literally impossible for our brains to multitask when it comes to paying attention,” yet we expect people to listen to a speaker read powerpoint slides out loud while they are reading them silently (Brain Rules again).  Asking the brain to listen and read at the same time is how psychologist Milton Erickson put his most resistant patients into a hypnotic trance.

3. We remember only 5% of what we hear, 50% of what we interact with and 90% of what we teach.  (Adult learning theory)

4. Adults learn only what is relevant to them. (Adult learning theory)

What this means
In a typical boring 25-minute read/listen powerpoint presentation, the presenter is utterly alone for the last 15 of those minutes.  The first 10 minutes will likely put people in trance. Those who avoid the trance will retain only 5% of what is presented.  Of that 5%, only what is relevant to each person will be absorbed and applied which means the 5 people who stayed alert will have 5 different ideas of what you said.

Is it any wonder people leave meetings passive and dulled, with wildly different ideas of what was said?

Make this one change to cut meeting time in half

Do not read aloud material that people are reading silently.  Either turn off the projector, insert a slide with only a title, or stop talking and let people read.

Better yet, send the information out as pre-work with  1 or 2 questions that require a command of the material.  You may think that’s asking too much of people.

I once asked a client to send out a 2-inch document with 367 entries 3 days before a meeting.  I wanted people to have digested the information and come to the meeting with  their top 5 entries so we could get right to work narrowing the list.  All 12 people came with their top 5 and we started the meeting by listing them.   I’ve never seen 12 strangers come together faster or work more effectively. We started right in the middle of the action, blew past consensus, and got all the way to unanimity.  It was an electrifying meeting.  I’ve never facilitated another one like it.

I think many leaders ask too little of meetings and too little of meeting participants.  Virtual meetings have made it worse.  Making meetings the equivalent of a television talk show tells participants you expect them to be passive observers.    You are more than a human brochure, dispensing information.  When was the last time you descried a meeting as electrifying?

Filed Under: better meetings, collaboration

CG #20 – Why “Buy-In” isn’t Good Enough

Posted on February 21, 2013 Written by 2 Comments

Word Count: 684

Reading Time: Under 2 minutes

If you’re settling for buy-in, it’s no wonder everything is taking so long.

“’Just out of curiosity, what happy memory were you thinking of?’

‘The first time I rode a broom.’

‘That’s not good enough, not nearly good enough.’”

from Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkeban

The first time Harry Potter, a young wizard in training, tries to summon the powerful protective presence called a patronus, he fails. In order to conjure a partonus, he must be fully committed to his happy memory.

This is how I think of “buy-in:” When Harry “buys-in,” he fails.  When he commits, he succeeds.

Buy-in defined

I’m aware of three drfinitions:  the practice of underbidding a job with the intent of raising the price after you win the contract; the intervention of a third party (and added expense) to complete a flubbed stock sale, and what a poker player does when she joins a game in progress.

So buy-in is either intent to deceive and gouge, a penalty for failing to execute a sale, or a temporary commitment to a game.  Yuck!  No wonder our meetings wander and our projects stall.

Buy-in or Commitment?

When it comes to getting things done, I know in my bones what a commitment is.  I have no idea what a buy-in is.  Commitment leads to results and accountability, and, near as I can tell, buy-in leads to doing what we agreed to until I get a better offer.  Consider the bacon and egg breakfast:  The chicken buys in, but the pig is committed.

Commitment is what gives a project or venture its momentum.

Buy-in isn’t good enough, not nearly good enough for that. Commit and you succeed or fail in full view of others. The vague, hazy nature of buy-in makes it a wonderful place to hide.  Is that why we settle for it in our organizations?

If you want better results, you’re going to have to stop doing what you’ve always done.   Here are some ways to stop settling for buy-in and get to commitment that moves you forward.

1.  Stop saying “buy-in.”  Instead, say exactly what you mean.  If you mean “I need your agreement,” say so.  If you mean “commitment” say that.  If you mean “this is your responsibility now,” speak up.  Instead of telling your boss “I need your buy-in,” tell them how much money and staff you’re looking for.

2.  Tell it true.  I suspect we use the word buy-in because pressing for agreement might get you an answer you don’t like.  It might even cause your group to split into factions, and then what?  What if the decision that’s been made demotivates your group?  These are valid concerns.  Say them out loud, then ask for the commitment you need.

3.  Stop using Faux-census.  Real consensus is a highly structured process that takes a group from scattered to committed.  Real consensus means authority for the decision belongs to the people in the room.  Faux-census is when you pretend this is the case, but in reality the decision has already been made.  You’re going through the motions to fool your group, and calling that “buy-in.”.  If you’re doing this to your group or organization, you’ve earned every ounce of “buy-in” you’re getting.  See number 1 above.

I know, I know:  I’m a little feisty this week.  I’ve been in some frighteningly bad VIRTUAL meetings lately and I’m saddened by how hard it was to stay present enough to contribute.  In response I’ve decided to launch a 52-week program in April/May:  VIRTUAL Meetings: HOW TO GO from Deadly to Divine.  It will have tons of useful content, homework, monthly calls and unlimited email access to me for a year.  I’m aiming to turn all takers into collaboration warrior-princes and princesses.  You don’t have to lead meetings to make a difference, in fact, you can rock any meeting no matter what your role.

If you think you might be interested, let me hear from you in the comments.  I’ll make sure and keep you in the loop.

 

Filed Under: better meetings, collaboration

CG #19 – Are You Making it Harder than it Needs to be?

Posted on February 8, 2013 Written by 1 Comment

CG #19 – Are You Making It Harder Than It Needs To Be?

Word Count:  555

Reading Time:  Under 2 minutes

Don’t undervalue the minimum, the simple, or the easy.  Sometimes it’s as easy as trying another way.

On this month’s free call, we covered the three barriers to authenticity.  Authenticity is showing up as you are in this moment.  It’s tempting to over-complicate it.  It’s as simple as saying that thought that is passing through your mind, as easy as being willing to be wrong.  It’s often minimal:  A phrase, small question or comment.

The idea is to connect with another person before working together.   Without the connection, it’s more difficult – and less fun – to do your best work.

So, let’s make connecting smaller, simpler and easier.   Here are three ideas for turning any conversation into a chance to connect:

1.  Do Less – Rather than forming a complete sentence based on a complete thought, settle for making a face,  a noise or saying only one syllable.  Sentence:  “The trend I see in the data doesn’t support your current plan.”

The syllable:  “Errrrmmm.”  The face:  Wrinkle your nose as if something smells.  The sound:  An audible inhale, followed by an audible exhale.

I know it may sound silly, but a tiny word, sound or facial expression can forge a connection more than a long, carefully thought-out sentence.  Try it and let me know how it works for you.

2. Do the opposite – This is especially helpful with you’ve tried everything you can think of.  Let’s say you’ve just apologized to a client about missing a deadline.  You’ve been understanding and taken full responsibility for what went wrong.  You’ve said how you’ll prevent missed deadlines in the future, but it’s not helping.  Your client is still clearly upset, and you ‘re out of ideas.  You might say, “Clearly we’re not going to get past this incident.  Let’s put it aside and move ahead..  Would that be agreeable to you?  Or, you might say: “Let’s face it:  I probably will miss another deadline in the future; how would you like to handle it next time?”  You might say “We’ve spent quite a bit of time on my contribution to this situation.  May we spend a few minutes on yours?”

If what you’re doing isn’t working, try another way.

3. Do a really terrible first draft.   When I was a technical writer, I could not get a programmer to talk to me, which made it impossible for me to do my work.  After trying everything I could think of, I decided I’d write the user manual and leave blanks for the information I needed help with.  That got boring, so I made up characters and had them use the system I was supposed to be documenting.  I gave it to the lead programmer and figured he’d never read it.

It took only minutes for the lead programmer to show up in my cubicle, quite angry about the state of the user manual.  It was easy to get a meeting with him after that.

I’m not advocating doing a bad job.  What I suggesting that you go with what you have in the moment and see where it takes you.  Waiting until it’s perfect takes a long time and shuts down conversation.   Going with what you’ve got invites participation.  Try it and let me know how it goes for you.

 

 

 

Filed Under: collaboration, consulting skills

CG #18 – If Anger Only Lasts 90 seconds, Why Are You Still Mad?

Posted on January 31, 2013 Written by 3 Comments

Your body rids itself of the effects of anger in 90 seconds.  Now let’s take care of your mind.

Word Count: 672

Reading Time: Under 2 minutes

I’m watching a bunch of puppies play with each other. They move from growling and snapping playfully to biting, yelping and withdrawing before running full tilt toward each other again in one big, joyous loop. Even a puppy who gets hurt simply yelps, snaps or bites back or moves away, then throws herself wholeheartedly back into the game.  Not once do I see a puppy take another puppy aside and warn him about “that puppy over there who is a jerk.”  With puppies, it’s all about getting back to the fun.

I want to be just like them.

In her book, A Stroke of Insight, Neuroscientist and stroke survivor, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor talks about how automatic reactions such as anger trigger a physical reaction that lasts only 90 seconds.  After those 90 seconds have passed, we are free to turn our attention elsewhere.  “If I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, it’s because I have chosen to let that (neuro) circuit run.”

I’d bet serious money the puppies don’t let that circuit run.

If the body is free to move on after 90 seconds, how can we move with it?

It has to do with where we direct our attention.  After those first 90 seconds have passed, we can choose to return to the present where we are peaceful, and free to choose our next thought.  Or we can choose to tell ourselves the story of why we got upset, re-igniting anger and the 90-second loop.   But here’s the crazy part:  If we choose the story, it won’t be anything in the present that is triggering the 90-second physical reaction.  It will be the story about what happened.  And what happened is now an event in the past.  It’s no longer happening.

The upshot is this:

It’s always peaceful in the present.  There is no story in the present.  Your ability to be in the present is restored after only 90 seconds.  Whether to move on is your choice.

Is it really that simple?  It really is.  But it’s not quite that easy.  That 90-second chemical wash is powerful and the storytelling that follows happens so fast it can be hard to catch. And let’s face it:  The story can be really compelling.  It takes practice to catch yourself in the act, and persistence to redirect your mind.  So be kind to yourself about it, and practice.

Start Here

0. Notice when your anger (or other “triggered” response) is lasting longer than 90 seconds.  Recognize that you are choosing to keep your response alive in your mind and body.  Taking responsibility for extending your automatic reactions beyond 90 seconds moves you out of being victimized by them.  Choosing to remain angry is very different from feeling like you have no choice.

When you want to let go of your story and move on, here is what Dr. Taylor recommends:

1. After the 90 seconds have passed, tell your brain to stop with the story already and redirect your thoughts.  Then do it again.  And again and as often as it takes to break the habit of listening to the storytelling.   The more compelling the story, the more persistent you’ll have to be.  Over time, it will get easier.

2. When the story starts up in your brain, use your 5 senses to focus on the present.  Look out the window, let in the sounds in the background, inhale a scented candle, get fascinated by the pattern in the carpet, notice how your shirt feels on your skin, feel the warmth of your coffee in your hands.   When you’re in the present, it’s easier to resist the story.

Do you have a different point of view?  Let’s hear it!  I post these newsletter on my blog and you can post your comments by clicking here.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: collaboration, consulting skills

CG #17 – Everything I know about leadership I learned from a horse

Posted on January 25, 2013 Written by Leave a Comment

Word Count:  689

Reading Time:  About 2 minutes

If you think leading means doing it perfectly, you might want to come on down to the corral.

I’m standing in a round corral with a horse named Auzzie, just hanging out before we get to work.  Auzzie keeps lifting his lip at me – laughing the way horses do.  He’s been doing this since we met several months ago, and today he’s doing it more than ever

Today’s assignment is to get Auzzie to walk around the corral by connecting and conveying my intention non-verbally.  There is a giant whip in the center of the ring I can use, but I’d rather not.  A group of my peers is watching.  Everything in me wants to do this the right way: no whip, no raised voice, all Vulcan mind-meld and horse-whisperer.  In addition, I’d like to accomplish all this while looking ultra-cool.  Natch.

I stroke Auzzie’s head.  I am clear about what I want:  I want him to walk around the ring.  I stand next to him and try to compel him to step forward by my excellent example of what walking is.

Auzzie looks interested, but he doesn’t move.

I lean against him hoping to force him off balance.  It works, but he doesn’t start walking.  He’s too busy laughing.

Auzzie and I are connected; I just can’t move him.

I pat him a final time and say, “Alright, let’s get going.”  My intention shifts from “c’mon, Auzzie, could you just….” to “we’re going to do this, NOW.”  This is often how it is when I switch from trying something to committing to getting it done, from following to leading.

I pick up the huge whip in the center of the ring and before I’ve even turned to face him, Auzzie breaks into a fast trot.  I have two thoughts:  “He is GORGEOUS,” and “that’s too fast.”  I lower the whip and back away from him, hoping to slow him down.

That’s when he starts galloping.

I cycle among panic at failing to control him, appreciation for his beauty, knowing that Auzzie is trying to tell me something.   After several circuits, he stops and faces me, panting.  I go pat his head and thank him for whatever it was that just happened.  I’m stunned at how he took off once I got clear, and overwhelmed that he went all out for me.   Our connection never fails to amaze me.  Auzzie laughs.

Social researcher Brene Brown’s research tells us that connection is the key to happiness, creativity and innovation.  Connection is the key to collaboration, and to leadership that enlivens.  And vulnerability is what unlocks connection.  That makes vulnerability a key leadership skill.

Brown defines vulnerability as the courage to be imperfect and authenticity as the willingness to let go of who you think you should be and simply be who you are.  What stops us from showing our true selves is the fear that we are not acceptable.  Rather than risk the shame of that, we stay guarded and numb and full of performance anxiety.  This makes it so very difficult to connect.

If there is a leadership crisis, it boils down to this inability to connect authentically.

Horses have none of our issues with authenticity or vulnerability.  That’s why I find them to be such good teachers.

No horses near you?  That’s OK.  Here’s what you can do right now to reclaim your vulnerability and ability to connect:

1.  Refuse to be bossed around by shame.  The moment you hear that voice in your head that tells you’re no good, or says “Who do you think you are?” laugh like Auzzie, then take the action that riled up that voice in the first place.

2.  Relinquish perfection.  Is there someone you find impossible to connect with, no matter how hard you try?  Something you’re not doing because you can’t do it well enough?  Stop trying and do:  Do it badly, do it imperfectly, do a terrible job, but do it.

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and want to work with the horses, here’s the info.

If you haven’t seen Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability, you’re in for a treat.

What do  you think?  Is vulnerability as a leadership skill, or — ?

Filed Under: collaboration, consulting skills

The Power of Minding Your Own Business

Posted on January 10, 2013 Written by Leave a Comment

Word Count: 670

Reading Time:  Under 2 minutes

“Don’t ask why a person is the way he is, ask for what he would change.”

— Milton Erickson, MD.

A reader asks:

“I’m wondering if there is an article  in your blog on how to work with individuals who feel they have to teach others regularly, whether it is warranted or desired.  I have someone who is a kindhearted person, and  seems to feel the need to make “teachable” moments.  This creates parent/child relationship I don’t want.  Do you have any articles that talk about how to maintain the adult role when being addressed by someone using a parent/child approach?”

Great question!  Let’s start with what not to do:  Don’t spend time analyzing why they are the way they are or why you are the way you are.  It will keep you stuck.

How Analysis Becomes Paralysis

Hanging back and analyzing my motives or those of others helps me avoid experiencing the gap between who I hope to become and who I am right now. You see, in my mind, I’m a Jedi Knight, able to cut through any problem with one brilliantly turned phrase; in reality I’m drooling and babbling like a tiny infant.   Ouch!  Changing an interaction means risking contact with the gap between ideal Liz and real Liz.  The longer I stay in analysis mode, the longer I can avoid that risk.  Once I’ve decided to take the leap, I must focus on the only person I can change:  Me.  This is where things start to get fun.

Minding Your Own Business

Byron Katie talks about the 3 kinds of business:  Yours, mine and God’s.  There is no other kind. You are responsible for your business.  I am responsible for mine.  Being other – or better – than I am is not my business.  Being an expert on you isn’t my business.  My business is to be me, fully, sloppily, brilliantly, tentatively, every moment of every day.   Your business is to be you, just as you are.

When two adults get caught up in a parent-child relationship, the “parent” has crowded into the “child’s” business and the “child” has let them.  The “child” must resume adult-level function by getting back into their own business and leaving the “parent” to theirs.

Here are 4 strategies for reclaiming your adult voice:

1. Interrupt to paraphrase and redirect.  Rather than crankily saying “You already TOLD me this, thank you, “ try this: “Rather than you explaining this again, let me lay it out for you.  You can tell me what I missed.”  Then you might say: “Great – I’m clear about what we’ve promised; what eludes me is how we’re addressing scope creep with this client.”  Or, “I must be missing something:  How will this approach help us meet our goals?”

2.  Give voice to what is so for you, and invite that from others.  This includes your confusion, doubts and hesitations, as well as what you are sure of.   This goes against much of what we’ve been taught:  When we feel talked-down-to the temptation is to shore up our position by showing how heroically smart, tough and competent we are.  This is how conversations that could spark real change become a war between two entrenched positions.   Productive conversations need an adult, not a hero.

3.  Disagree and be willing to be wrong.  “I don’t see it that way,” is the cleanest, most respectful way I know to disagree with someone.  The language implies we are looking at the same thing, yet we are not coming to the same conclusion.  What could be more fascinating?  From this place of curiosity, it’s easy to explore the assumptions we’ve each made that led us to such different conclusions.  From that place, wrong-doing becomes irrelevant and anything is possible.  Even when you are frustrated beyond words, you can still be caught up in this curiosity.

4.  Say what you want and need, but aren’t getting.    If you’ve been maintaining your image rather than drooling and babbling with the rest of us, this is going to feel mighty uncomfortable.  It’s nothing more than being in your business while letting others stay in theirs.   Using “I” statements and keep your language blame and judgment-free will help you stay in your own business.

I’m especially curious about what you have to add to this.   If you’d like, you can let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: collaboration, consulting skills

Take Your Skills Home to Make the Holidays Happier

Posted on December 20, 2012 Written by Leave a Comment

Did you know appiness is 90% up to you?  You can do it!

Word Count: 700

Reading Time: 2 minutes

It’s that time of year in the USA:  We’re saying “Happy Holidays!” and  “Happy Christmas!” to each other.  And for many people the holiday season is a joyous time.  For others, going home for the holidays is like revisiting the scene of their childhood misery complete with the original cast.  No matter which camp you’re in, you can make use of recent research on happiness.  The upshot is this:

Happiness is an inside job.

According to the research of psychologist Shawn Achor, Long-term happiness is 10% due to the external world and 90% due to the way our brain processes that world.  90%!  In last year’s TED talk, he made this point:  It’s not your reality that shapes you, but the lens your brain sees the world through.

If you’ve ever read The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, you’ve already encountered this idea.  In that book, Milo, an eternally dissatisfied young boy, receives a phantom tollbooth in the mail.  He sets it up, pays his toll and sets off with his dog Tock on an adventure.  Soon, he and Tock find themselves stuck on an island.    Milo asks a man for directions and is told:

“Why this is the island of conclusions.  You can’t drive back.  You got here by jumping.  You have to think your way back. “

You’re going to have to think your way to happiness too.

It’s all the more important when that 10% gets a little crazy.

As this is my last newsletter of 2012, I wanted to point to three skills we’ve already covered that can help you true the lens your brain is using to view the world and have a happier holiday:

CG #4 – Why You Listen

Review this to remind yourself that listening is an act of generosity and love.  You listen not to show off, but to give the speaker the best conversation they’ve had all day.  This holiday season, give the gift of your curiosity.

CG #7 – If you Want to be a Communication Superhero, s-h-h-h!

Silence is the simplest way to give someone the space to talk.  Simple silence lets others gather and organize their thoughts.  It’s the way you give the gift of your attention.  In this ADHD world, at this hyper-busy time, dare to be silent.

CG #11 – “I See it Differently” – How to Differ Without the Sticky Residue

It’s going to happen.  Someone is going to get on your last nerve over Christmas dinner.  It may be Uncle Wally who baits you about politics or your Cousin Jeffrey who keeps dropping names and flashing his Rolex in your face as he reaches for more green beans.  And don’t forget Aunt Betty, who will look at you with love, yes, and deep, deep pity as she tells you that, someday, there will be someone for you too.  You just have to keep your spirits up and stay in the game.

Stop gritting your teeth and say “I see it differently” as you let an angelic smile break over your face.  Then gaze at her with utter affection until she breaks eye contact.  Help yourself to another slice of pumpkin pie – you’ve earned it.

You may have noticed that I’ve recommended listening twice and speaking once.

Look in the mirror and answer me this:  How many mouths do you have?  How many ears?  You see?  You are your own visual aid for effective communication!  And you are our best bet for Peace on Earth.  Have a Happy Holiday.

_______________________________

I’m taking the next two weeks off.  I’ll be back publishing my weekly newsletter on Friday January 11th.   See you then!

Filed Under: collaboration, consulting skills

How to survive giving feedback

Posted on December 13, 2012 Written by Leave a Comment
Think resistance to feedback means you’re doing it wrong?  Not necessarily.

Word Count:  600

Reading Time:  Under 2 minutes

“How can they say I’m not communicating well?  I send out weekly updates, hold meetings and town halls, and I have a blog!”

Annual review season will soon be upon us, and I’m looking forward to many conversations that start like the one above.  It sounds like the defensiveness that leads to a knock-down, drag-out fight.  But is it?   I hear it as the first step in the predictable response to feedback.  I take it as evidence the mind is beginning to grapple with information it finds strange and possibly inaccurate.

I welcome this response as natural, normal and desirable.

It’s also predictable.  It takes time to hear what someone tells us and find the part we are willing to own and change.  There is no shortcut, no work-around.  There are no feedback formulas that make it unnecessary.  This predictable, sometimes sparky response to feedback is how the mind learns.

The Predictable Response to Feedback*:

1.  Reversing blame.  “You should have spoken up sooner.”  “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me”  This response is out of our mouths before we know what we’re saying.

2.  Intellectualizing or minimizing.  “Well how big a deal is this really?  So I had one bad day.”  “People often misunderstand the time needed for a initiative of this magnitude to ripen and produce.”  The mind is still trying to distance itself from any responsibility.

3. Arguing intention over effect.  “But I never intended any harm.”  “I didn’t mean to cause any pain.”  Feedback is about the effect our actions had, not the effect we intended they’d have.  It’s our actions that have an effect on others, not our thoughts.  This is another way to deny responsibility.

4.  Agreeing/Accepting guilt.  “You’re right: that’s just the way I am.”  “I’ve always been that way.” “I just can’t seem to change that.”  This is the mind’s last-ditch attempt to dodge any responsibility for the effect of its actions.  When you hear it from someone, they are very, very close to:

5.  Hearing/Learning.  “OK, I hear what you’re telling me.  I can see that it didn’t work.  What I can do differently is…”

We want people to go from hearing our carefully worded feedback to #5 above without doing the work to get there.  It isn’t possible to do that.  Steps 1-4 are how the mind gets to number 5.

Eliminate those steps and you  eliminate learning. You’ve got to endure the discomfort of steps 1-4 in order to get to number 5.

It’s uncomfortable whether you are the giver or receiver of feedback.  It’s also worth it.  If you can weather the discomfort, both of you will find yourself in a fantastic conversation learning something shiny and new.

If you are giving feedback, listen for the predictable responses above.  Stay calm, firma and focused.  Do not react by becoming more forceful with your feedback.  Do not back off and soften your feedback.  Give the mind the room it needs to do its work.

If you are receiving feedback, listen for the predictable responses above.  They’ll be popping into your mind even if they don’t spill out of your mouth.  Relax and thank your brain for getting right to work sorting this out for you.  If the person giving you the feedback moves in for the kill, stop them.  If they try to soften the feedback, stop them.   You need time and a clear space to process what you’ve heard.  Ask for it.

(* Thanks to Brendan Reddy and Chuck Phillips for these.)

 

Filed Under: collaboration
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