No one wants to deal with long meandering report-outs and stacks of flipcharts.  And, good news!  There’s a better way.

Word Count:  678

Reading Time:  Under 3 minutes

Let’s say you decide to use small groups in your meetings.  You understand that open discussion isn’t easily converted into action, much less commitment.  You’ve seen for yourself how presentations create a certain passivity in those presented to.  You want to amp up the participation in your meetings without losing control.  Small groups can do that.

In your next meeting, you put 8 people in 4 pairs to generate ideas for 2014 goals.  It works!  Each pair generates a list of 10 ideas, which they’ve written on a flip chart.  Their report out to the larger group is interesting and takes a little longer than you hoped.  When they’ve all finished sharing their results, you have a moment of pure panic:  What do I do with the 4o items on the flipcharts?  I can’t throw them out because I asked for them.  We do not have time to narrow them down to a manageable number.  You vow to never, ever use small groups again.

There is a better choice:  Simply ask your small groups to report out their top 1-3 picks, rather than their entire list.

Here’s how:

1a.  Structure and time the work of the small groups (7-10 minutes).  If you don’t use a meeting process for small group work, you’ve just set several open discussions in motion.  Open discussion in small groups is just as inefficient, rambling, and subject to tangents as they are in large groups.

I recommend Likes and Concerns, Stop-Start-Continue and the Plus-Delta evaluation for small group work.  Just pick the one that’s most appropriate for the topic at hand:

• Like and Concerns asks participants to list what they like about something and then to list what their concerns are.  It’s the best process I know for getting feedback to a document or proposal or vision or goal.

• Stop-Start-Continue asks participants to give themselves advice about what to stop doing, start doing, or continue doing.  It’s best for things that already in progress, but need to shift.

• Plus-Delta*  evaluates something in the past, like last year’s performance or the meeting we just had.  It’s also good for a temperature check on something you do regularly.  In the plus column, list what is working well, in the delta column, list what you’d like to change for next time.  (*delta is the mathematical sign for change)

1b. Limit the report-out to the number of items you have the time to deal with.  This asks the small groups to prioritize their lists and only share their 1-3 picks.

1c. Ask each of the groups to write their picks on a single flipchart. That’s one flipchart each for the likes, the concerns, the stops, starts, etc.

In the above scenario, I’d ask for the top pick from each of my 4 trios.  That would give me 4 items on each flipchart, a manageable number.

2.  Ask if there is anything missing from the list  (1-2 mins).  Always ask.  Sometimes the best ideas come at this stage.  If the new idea is similar to what is already up there, challenge it.

3. Clarify the lists.  Read each item and ask “Is this clear?” (3-5 mins)  Correct them on the flipchart until everybody is satisfied.  Do not wordsmith – just make notes or draw arrows.  Move quickly, as though you are late for an appointment.

4. Commit to doing something with the list of concerns, deltas, stops and starts.  Make it small. (1-3 mins) The simplest action is to assign items to future agendas, or to a sub-group to work on.  One manager I worked with reports: “We were able to design the agenda for our next meeting using the “concerns” list.

You can do this in 20 minutes.  With practice, you can do it in 15 minutes.  Best of all, it’s a high-quality, focused and energizing 15-20 minutes.

What if it’s not reality that has you stressed, but the unenforceable rules in your mind?

Word Count: 715

Reading Time: 3.2 minutes

I just fired my new tax accountant, Bob.  Well, fired may be too strong a word.  Let’s say I relieved him of a certain responsibility:  Contacting the IRS on my behalf over a bill they’d sent.  The IRS likes to send me notices every few years telling me I owe them thousands of dollars.  That never turns out to be true, but it does require a phone call to straighten out. The first time, I made the mistake of letting them try to help me solve “my problem.” As the IRS clerk romped merrily through the past 5 years of my tax returns reading me the riot act, and displaying a stunning disregard for my privacy, I broke into a cold sweat.  The call ended with a tongue-lashing about my slipshod record-keeping.  The entire call was a virtual strip search.   Since then I’ve learned to limit the call to the tax year in question and get off the phone fast.

So when Bob told me he was going to handle my latest IRS notice by offering up information about previous tax years, I went berserk.  The only thing worse than having the IRS use my personal information against me was having someone I employ helping them.

Even worse was what happened in my mind while I was on hold with the IRS for the next hour and 10 minutes.  I had an outbreak of Unenforceable Rules.  That’s what psychologist Fred Luskin calls it when we hold ourselves or others to a standard that we can’t enforce.    Here’s what it sounded like:

“Bob should really know better.”

Ah – there it is:  The word “should.”  “Should,” “Always,” and “Never” are 3 words unenforceable rules like to hide behind.   Unenforceable rules fool us into thinking something is wrong when it just isn’t what we prefer..  That’s how they destroy our peace of mind.

And they come in so many colors!

We can have unenforceable rules for:

Others – My boss should communicate more, give me the assignments I want, notice how hard I work and offer me a raise.  My partner should remember I don’t like lime green, take out the garbage, be kinder.

For ourselves – I should be more disciplined, exercise more, get up earlier, be further ahead than I am.

For the Universe at large –   Life should be fair.  Evil should be punished.  Goodness should prevail.

If you aren’t quick enough to catch yourself saying “should,” there is another way to spot an unenforceable rule:

Reality.  The gap between what is happening and what you think should be happening is created by an unenforceable rule.  The one you’re using to make yourself miserable.  You destroy your own peace of mind when you choose an unenforceable rule over reality.  Reality doesn’t care what you think of it.  It just goes on doing what it does.

I know that may be a little difficult to accept.  Although I bet it matches your experience.  The teenager who will pick up their clothes only when you are standing over them.  The colleague who says they hate being late, but always is.  We cause ourselves so much stress by choosing to insist on a “truth” we’ve never experienced.

Regain your peace of mind and keep your standards high

If I soften the language of my unenforceable rule, my peace of mind floods back in.  Instead of “He should know better,” I say “I wish he knew better.”  Instead of “My boss should have given me that assignment,” I say “I’d prefer a boss who would give me assignments that challenge me”  I can think those thoughts without getting angry.  It softens the hold my unenforceable rules have on my thinking and restores my peace of mind. I start to see other possibilities.  If I prefer an accountant who responds to the IRS differently, perhaps I’ll go find one.

I think it’s up to each of us

Here’s an experiment I’m currently running:  When I react, I stop myself to identify the unenforceable rule that causing my distress.  Then I soften my language about it.  Instead of “This is taking too long.”  I think “I wish this wasn’t taking so long.”  So far this is working 100% of the time.  If you decide to try this, let me know about it in the comments.

We all have those painful moments when our words and actions don’t match.

Word Count: 581

Reading Time: 2.5 minutes

“If I look away when you’re talking to me, it’s because I get overloaded.  If I try to take in everything that’s coming through my 5 senses, it causes a train wreck in my brain.  I look away so I can listen.  Sometimes I’ll have to stop you.  Please know I want to hear what you have to say.”

That’s how Tony introduced himself to me, and I was so glad he did.  It saved me the embarrassment of reacting when he stared off into the distance or abruptly changed topics, and the awkwardness of asking about the effects of his brain injury.   It did something much more profound:  It made me his ally.  Now that I knew how his brain worked, it was natural to adjust my delivery to the way he took in information, and to check in as we went.

There are times we all need to do what Tony did to make the conversation a success.  I’m talking about the times our words and behaviors don’t match.  Rather than become a stiff, off-putting technique geek, do what Tony did:  Confess to the behaviors that get in the way, and invite others to help you.

What Behaviors?

When I’m pressed for time, I do things that aren’t pretty.  When I’m hooked, I do things that are just awful.  When I’m excited about something, I can be obnoxious.  Anxiety can turn me into a self-centered jerk.  No matter how much I want to listen, I interrupt.  I talk over people, or barely let them finish their sentences.  I get overly intense.  I pontificate.  I get snarky.  I over-react.  I subvert my own processes.

My actions say “shut up,” even as my words say “I’m listening.”  As the research confirms, when the words and actions don’t match, we “listen” to the actions.

The Tony Solution

When I catch myself doing the things that say “shut up,” I’ve learned to stop myself.  When I can, I align my words and actions.  When I can’t, I confess to the mismatch progressively, like this:

1.  “I’m interrupting you  (talking too much, being a jerk, etc.).  I’m so sorry.   I get this way when I’m (anxious, excited, hooked, etc.).  I’m going to stop doing that if I can.”  That usually does it.  When it doesn’t, I go to the next step and say,

2. “I can’t seem to stop doing this.  How is it for you that I’m (interrupting, etc.)?”  Asking for feedback can’t help me reset.  On rare occasions I find that what I’m doing isn’t the problem I thought it was.  I still will do what I can to align my words and actions if I feel out of control.  If all else fails, I do this:

3.  “I can’t listen right now.  Can you listen to me first?  Then I promise to return the favor.”

Best of all is when I can let people know I may need their help beforehand:  “I’m angry about this.  I may get feisty.  If that starts getting in our way, please ask me what I’m anxious about.  That usually does it.”

This is Not an Excuse for Bad Behavior

There is a vast difference between asking others to excuse disruptive actions we have no intention of changing and making them our allies while we take full responsibility for managing our behavior.   Tony skillfully navigated his limited options.  Let’s make him proud.

Speakers speak at 125-175 words per minute.  Listeners think at 450-600 words per minute. That’s a ratio of at least 1:4.  

Word Count: 661

Reading Time: 2.6 minutes

“We’ve tried everything with this group.  We’ve told them about the new process, we’ve changed their incentives, we’ve told them again, we’ve given them training after training – we’ve done everything, and they just won’t use it.”

“And you’re committed to this new process no one is using?”

“We have no choice – it’s mandated.”

Ah.  The mandate. Maybe it’s a new regulation in your industry, or an edict from the CEO.  You didn’t get any input, and now you have to deliver the bad news to your team and live with the consequences.  It’s understandable that you want to get this over with quickly.  So you present and teach and answer questions.  You communicate.

And the more you communicate, the more of a deficit you create.  Every word you speak causes the listener’s thoughts to multiply like bunnies.

It’s simple math:  Every minute you talk, you fall behind by 325-375 words per minute.  You cannot push information fast enough to outpace my ability to interpret – and misinterpret – it.

There you are, going on and on about how this mandate is, um, required, and 72 other synonyms for “mandated,” so you have to do it and shut up, shut up, shut up, stop freaking me out with your questions can’t you see I’m stuck with this too and just do it because it’s mandated.

“Any questions?,”  you then ask.  But it’s already too late.  If you’ve talked for 10 minutes, we’re already 3250-3750 words ahead of you. Catching to us is going to take a lot longer than 10 minutes because we can only do that at the speed of speech, which will generate the much faster speed of thought and we will get farther and farther out of synch.  All your speech will be about the mandate.  And all my thoughts will be about how the situation affects me.

We have a communication deficit of epic proportions.  Many teams are living with such a vast communication deficit that they need hours of catch-up to get current.

And that’s the situation when no one has misheard,  misconstrued, or misinterpreted anything.  Finding and correcting that is going to take much longer.  If two people have gotten something wrong, it’s going to take forever.  If you’ve talked for 20 minutes, the situation may take longer to resolve than you have time left on this planet.

Are you starting to understand why communication strategies so often backfire?  Many, many competent, conscientious leaders are stuck in this communication loop that pushes their team away from them, even as they do everything “right.”

A better approach

Your employees don’t need more words coming at them.  They need someone to listen to the words that have piled up in their brains while all that information was being pushed at them.

Somewhere in that 450 words per minute is the idea you need more than you need to be protected from negativity or be in control of the situation.  You may be too blinded by anxiety to see the genius hidden behind what looks like resistance, or the loyalty disguised as opposition.  You may believe that you don’t have time to listen to any of this.

Which isn’t quite accurate, is it?  I think you have a clear choice.  You can make room for some of those thoughts as you deliver the message and be able to channel all the energy behind them.  Or, you can listen to them in tiny installments for months and years, like a million paper cuts.

A Communication Word Problem

If thoughts outpace words 4:1, and you have 2 ears and 1 mouth, how long should you speak before pausing to listen?

I can’t wait to hear your answers to this.  Please give me an ear-full in the comments.