Comments on: You can’t care more than they do

By: Liz Williams

Liz Williams — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 02:12:15 +0000

Hi Jody – Thanks so much for your comment. I’m almost certain we met a few years ago. I can tell this is something you live in your work. I do have a few books to recommend, but none of them will give you an immediate answer. They will help you think about this differently though, and that has helped me.

“The Power of a Positive No” buy William Ury Sometimes I think Mr. Ury and I are twins separated at birth – we seem equally obsessed with the words yes and no and with how they are two sides of the same coin. This book will help you see that there is a no contained in every yes and vice versa. To say yes to one thing is to say no to another – always. Exploring this with clients – saying, “If we say yes to this, what are we saying no to?” can open up a more balanced and real conversation.

“The Speed of Trust,” by Stephen M.R. Covey. Links credibility to trust, and trust to speed. Helps you say things to clients like: “So you want me to tell you this is a good idea, even though I think it’s a disaster, right? And you want me to promise this in two weeks and look happy, even though we both know it will take six and still require a lot of overtime on my part.” I’m saying yes, but maintaining my integrity and credibility.

“Getting to Yes”, by Roger Fisher and William Ury Classic on win-win negotiation. Easy read, practical, seminal.

That’s all for now. You’ve inspired me to post some more on the how of this, which I will do in the coming days and weeks. I’ll take another stab at a more practical answer when I’ve got a bit more time.

By: Jody Kanter-Doud

Jody Kanter-Doud — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:50:35 +0000

So what happens if you are the manager and you have a hard time saying no to the client. Working in an industry that the customer is always right is making some days very painful, and I deal with some of the rudest most selfish people I have ever met, along with the most gracious and wonderful clients.
I hate saying no, and try to find a solution, but it tears me apart in the process especially when the person I am trying to help is not willing to listen to my suggestions or solutions.
Any ideas or books etc that might help me. And Liz I am Candy’s sisterinlaw and she forwarded me this location as I am back in management after at least a 15 year break. Any help is appreciated.

By: Liz Williams

Liz Williams — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 21:08:27 +0000

These comments just keep getting more brilliant. Thanks, Happy Employee, for mentioning the idea of a “qualified yes.” It’s also good to hear that customers eventually learn to like the heightened responsibility.

Now, to hunker down for that transition period…

By: The Happy Employee

The Happy Employee — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:46:02 +0000

Well, me again since nobody else seems to want to weigh in

The two last comments by Ask A Manager and Liz reminded me of what Merlin Mann calls the “qualified yes”. This means that you should only make a commitment if you’re certain you can keep it.

Employees will have to decide whether they have enough time to do everything they promise. If not, it’s the perfect opportunity to learn to say no.

Managers need to make the same decision, but if they handle it badly, the consequence will often be overworked employees.

Customers (internal and external) might not like this approach at first, but in the long run they will appreciate the fact that whenever they get a “yes”, there’s no question they will get what they asked for. And they will also learn to respect a service provider who can say “no”.

By: Liz Williams

Liz Williams — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:50:59 +0000

Brilliant! Thank you for weighing in on this. I love your elegant way of turning this on its ear. Of course it makes sense that it’s the high performers that get caught here. To them, it must seem an almost Orwellian dilemma: War is peace, good is bad, no is yes. Except it’s more that, over time, good leads to bad, yes leads to no, and no leads to an even stronger yes.

All of which leads me to wonder about the clients. I can imagine it both ways: the client has no idea he’s wreaking such havoc, or the client knows, but sees no alternative. I’ve done both when I’m the client, and heard yes and no to my demands. I’d love to hear other perspectives on this. Anyone else willing to weigh in?

By: Ask a Manager

Ask a Manager — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 03:12:40 +0000

I see this a lot too. I think that when you hire good people, it’s often the case that they are the type who feel it’s a weakness to say no. The best remedy I’ve found for it is having the manager consistently help them see that not only is it okay to push back at times, but there are actually times when it’s a necessary component of doing a good job. The manager needs to model this behavior herself, and needs to talk explicitly with the employee about why it matters — for instance: “You may not mind working late tonight to get this done, but it’s setting the client up to expect that of us in the future — and there may be times in the future when we can’t do it, not without affecting other clients’ work. I love that you’re willing to go above and beyond to make this happen, but part of our job is actually managing client expectations and making sure they know what is and isn’t part of our agreement with them.” Or something like that. You’ve got to frame it for them in terms of it being part of doing a good job, since people with this problem never see it in those terms.

By: Liz Williams

Liz Williams — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:07:03 +0000

Hi Happy – “…being someone’s slave” paints the picture so vividly, I can almost hear the clink of chains and the creak of oars.

You make a excellent point about the importance of a manager’s support: Nothing worse than saying no and having your manager say “Uh, I think you meant to say yes.”

What’s your experience with this? Is “just say no” with manager back-up more common or do you see more slavery?

And, if there are any managers out there, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.

By: The Happy Employee

The Happy Employee — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 20:03:57 +0000

I think that many people don’t realize the difference between “providing a great customer service” and “being someone’s slave” (aka “customer is king”). So they never say no with the consequences that their customers take advantage of them.

Managers can help by teaching their employees to say no and by having their backs when necessary.