You can’t care more than they do
I’m humbled by the people I coach. Everyday they face the most astonishing levels of stress, do good – even great – work for their internal clients, then come back the next day for more. Their resilience is epic, even legendary. They are so good, in fact, that no one can see how close they are to flaming out.
Well, not no one. I can see it. My clients can too. Problem is, I can’t figure out how to get them to stop colluding with their tormentors.
Most of these high-achieving professionals would rather die than say to a client: “You slipped your deadline for reviewing this, which means the whole production schedule will be delayed.” I’m at a loss to understand why this is so difficult to say. Even when the client argues, or yells, or says, “but this has to be done in two weeks!” or complains to the pro’s boss, it doesn’t change the facts.
And isn’t it kinda obvious that, if a client cared that much, they’d have made time to do their part? Isn’t it kinda obvious that, since you have multiple clients and one of them is allowed to do this, someone else’s project will have to be delayed? And, isn’t it kinda obvious that you’ll then have no credibility with any of your clients? So why would you stay late atwork or come in on weekend rather than saying this?
Perhaps I’m missing something? If so, please correct me. I’m all ears.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I think that many people don’t realize the difference between “providing a great customer service” and “being someone’s slave” (aka “customer is king”). So they never say no with the consequences that their customers take advantage of them.
Managers can help by teaching their employees to say no and by having their backs when necessary.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Hi Happy – “…being someone’s slave” paints the picture so vividly, I can almost hear the clink of chains and the creak of oars.
You make a excellent point about the importance of a manager’s support: Nothing worse than saying no and having your manager say “Uh, I think you meant to say yes.”
What’s your experience with this? Is “just say no” with manager back-up more common or do you see more slavery?
And, if there are any managers out there, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I see this a lot too. I think that when you hire good people, it’s often the case that they are the type who feel it’s a weakness to say no. The best remedy I’ve found for it is having the manager consistently help them see that not only is it okay to push back at times, but there are actually times when it’s a necessary component of doing a good job. The manager needs to model this behavior herself, and needs to talk explicitly with the employee about why it matters — for instance: “You may not mind working late tonight to get this done, but it’s setting the client up to expect that of us in the future — and there may be times in the future when we can’t do it, not without affecting other clients’ work. I love that you’re willing to go above and beyond to make this happen, but part of our job is actually managing client expectations and making sure they know what is and isn’t part of our agreement with them.” Or something like that. You’ve got to frame it for them in terms of it being part of doing a good job, since people with this problem never see it in those terms.
March 25th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Brilliant! Thank you for weighing in on this. I love your elegant way of turning this on its ear. Of course it makes sense that it’s the high performers that get caught here. To them, it must seem an almost Orwellian dilemma: War is peace, good is bad, no is yes. Except it’s more that, over time, good leads to bad, yes leads to no, and no leads to an even stronger yes.
All of which leads me to wonder about the clients. I can imagine it both ways: the client has no idea he’s wreaking such havoc, or the client knows, but sees no alternative. I’ve done both when I’m the client, and heard yes and no to my demands. I’d love to hear other perspectives on this. Anyone else willing to weigh in?
March 25th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Well, me again since nobody else seems to want to weigh in
The two last comments by Ask A Manager and Liz reminded me of what Merlin Mann calls the “qualified yes”. This means that you should only make a commitment if you’re certain you can keep it.
Employees will have to decide whether they have enough time to do everything they promise. If not, it’s the perfect opportunity to learn to say no.
Managers need to make the same decision, but if they handle it badly, the consequence will often be overworked employees.
Customers (internal and external) might not like this approach at first, but in the long run they will appreciate the fact that whenever they get a “yes”, there’s no question they will get what they asked for. And they will also learn to respect a service provider who can say “no”.
March 27th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
These comments just keep getting more brilliant. Thanks, Happy Employee, for mentioning the idea of a “qualified yes.” It’s also good to hear that customers eventually learn to like the heightened responsibility.
Now, to hunker down for that transition period…
July 14th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
So what happens if you are the manager and you have a hard time saying no to the client. Working in an industry that the customer is always right is making some days very painful, and I deal with some of the rudest most selfish people I have ever met, along with the most gracious and wonderful clients.
I hate saying no, and try to find a solution, but it tears me apart in the process especially when the person I am trying to help is not willing to listen to my suggestions or solutions.
Any ideas or books etc that might help me. And Liz I am Candy’s sisterinlaw and she forwarded me this location as I am back in management after at least a 15 year break. Any help is appreciated.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Hi Jody – Thanks so much for your comment. I’m almost certain we met a few years ago. I can tell this is something you live in your work. I do have a few books to recommend, but none of them will give you an immediate answer. They will help you think about this differently though, and that has helped me.
“The Power of a Positive No” buy William Ury Sometimes I think Mr. Ury and I are twins separated at birth – we seem equally obsessed with the words yes and no and with how they are two sides of the same coin. This book will help you see that there is a no contained in every yes and vice versa. To say yes to one thing is to say no to another – always. Exploring this with clients – saying, “If we say yes to this, what are we saying no to?” can open up a more balanced and real conversation.
“The Speed of Trust,” by Stephen M.R. Covey. Links credibility to trust, and trust to speed. Helps you say things to clients like: “So you want me to tell you this is a good idea, even though I think it’s a disaster, right? And you want me to promise this in two weeks and look happy, even though we both know it will take six and still require a lot of overtime on my part.” I’m saying yes, but maintaining my integrity and credibility.
“Getting to Yes”, by Roger Fisher and William Ury Classic on win-win negotiation. Easy read, practical, seminal.
That’s all for now. You’ve inspired me to post some more on the how of this, which I will do in the coming days and weeks. I’ll take another stab at a more practical answer when I’ve got a bit more time.