Living Comma-Free
Last week I was in L.A. teaching a favorite class, Consulting Skills: Bringing Your Authentic Selves Forward. It’s one of several excellent workshops designed by the consulting firm Gelinas James. The big topics are covered: saying yes and saying no. We go over the what and the how of it – when you have to say no to say yes to what you and your client want more, as well as how to recognize the difference between a crazy demand and a legitimate business need. The real trick is how to say yes to the need while saying no to the crazy demand, especially as they are often presented as one and the same. Which they are not.
An example we were batting around in class is the necessarily high quality for a piece of work coupled with a deadline that’s impossible. What my students often hear is: “That’s just what I want – but I need it faster and cheaper.” When invited to respond authentically, one participant said “Of course you do. Who doesn’t?” It had the effect that simply saying what’s so often has: After the briefest slience, we all laughed. For one thing, it’s true: I always want the best quality for less than it seems to cost. Doesn’t everyone? The pain comes when you realize you must choose one over the other.
The other reason her response had such power was that she said said something true without a trace of blame or judgement. Her tone was matter-of-fact, verging on empathetic. I call this leaving off the comma. If she’d used a tone that conveyed “Of course you do. Who doesn’t, you jerk!,” it’s easy to imagine how quickly she’d have been called in by her boss’s boss and reprimanded. Instead, her tone and delivery were comma-free – there was no way to add the “(comma) you jerk” at the end. This is so rarely the case. We think we’re clean, but our utterances drip with attitude and our clients react accordingly.
It’s not especially difficult to master the skills for being a good listener, being authentic or resolving an impasse between two people. What’s tough is removing the blame and judgment and general peevishness from our utterances – removing that comma. Here are three things that seem help:
1. Respond as soon as you feel the “pinch” and before you get stuck in your story about what it means. This is before you go ballistic, before you get angry or afraid or reactive. It’s when you can be matter-of-fact and somewhat unattached. For me, this is the moment I feel my stomach clench or my jaw tighten. It’s the second my mind stumbles, doubles back and starts its circuit of “what just happened?” When I respond right away, I can catch myself before I get angry, hurt, or paranoid “This is a Vice President. Disagreeing will mean the end of my career. I’ll die under an overpass, singing folk songs and eating cat food out of cans,” Wouldn’t saying “Of course you do – who doesn’t?” and having a good laugh be more fun?
2. Do whatever it takes to stay or become curious. Judgement and curiosity cannot co-exist. Youre either open to learning more, or you’ve already decided. I’ve trained myself to ask questions. So the conversation might go something like this: Client: “I want it perfect, but I need it faster and cheaper.” Me: “What did you have in mind?” Client: “10 pages by 1:30 – 2 hours from now.” Me: “In English?” Client: “Yes.” Me: “Standard English?” Client: “Of course.” Me: “Accurate, legal and incompliance with all applicable regulations?” Client: “That’s right.” Me: “I’m torn: part of me wants to believe that I can work the miracles you believe me capable of. The other, larger part is wondering how I’m going to let you down easy. Tell me – what would you do in my shoes?” Honest, open, and curious to the end.
3. Find compassion for whoever you’re talking to. Blame cannot find a toehold in the compassionate heart. This isn’t that hard and doesn’t require enlightenment. This poor guy thinks what he’s asking for is possible. He’s about to be terribly disappointed. It’s a bad situation to be in. Don’t you feel bad for him? I do. The key here is to not take it personally. it’s not your fault there’s been this terrible misunderstanding. It’s not his either.
I’d love to hear what you think and whether this works for you. Feel free to comment below.
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:18 pm
I love your comma-free piece! I remember your saying something about judgment and compassion being unable to occupy the same mental/emotional space, and this is a wonderful expansion of that idea. Thanks, and keep writing!
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:26 am
Thanks for your comment, Carolyn! There should be a prize – you’re the first to comment on a post.
I’ve been chewing on this either-or approach to where I place my attention (blame or compassion, judgement or curiosity is how I’ve been phrasing it to myself) and that it’s always a choice that’s available to me seems inescapable. Which I like. Most days.
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:58 pm
I think I recently heard you say that curiosity and judgment cannot be in your mind at the same time, and I’m finding that so useful. I think of curiosity as one of my strengths — and it is my top one on the VIA Strengths survey — but as an MBTI J, I start out decided so often. Am I blocking my curiosity by my basic preference for things being settled? I’m pondering that, thanks to you.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:22 am
And, it’s not just you, or MBTI Js, Carolyn – it’s anytime we think we know…