Going Complaint-free: the update
According to Will Bowen, author of A Complaint-Free World, 4-8 months is the average time it takes to go 21 consecutive days without criticizing, complaining or gossiping. Which makes sense because, every time you mess up, you’ve got to go back to day 1. I accepted the complaint-free challenge on Nov 5, 2007, 3 months ago. And I promised to report back to you, my faithful readers.
I haven’t yet made it 21 days; 4 days in a row is my record (although I’m back to day one since I started paying attention to the primaries and the candidates). Here’s how it’s gone so far:
At first I feared becoming someone who spouted politically correct phrases oddly devoid of meaning, a sort of stepford human, a walking corporate memo, an optimiton. When I achieved a complaint-free day, it would be followed by a negative eruption the next morning over something trivial. For instance, I’d wake up and moan “Oh great, it’s raining.” Before accepting the challenge, this was something I never did, as I’m not much of a talker in the morning.
I was stunned at how often I complained. I was very, very focused on that 21-day goal, but not at all sure I could achieve it. Perhaps it would help to clearly define the terms. I spent a great deal of energy discerning the difference between a complaint and stating a preference, and the precise definition of gossip (current favorite: “hearing something you like about someone you don’t”). I wondered if it was legal to think the complaint but not say it.
From there I got…quiet. For days at a time, I couldn’t think of a thing to say, a way to say it, or a reason to figure either of those out. Life was a silent retreat. Some days I didn’t even leave the house. At gatherings someone would ask me about the purple bracelet and, after I explained, they’d edge away, muttering about how they couldn’t talk to me. I knew just how they felt.
Alone with my thoughts, I started noticing how relentlessly self-critical they were. Nothing I did was good enough for me. Whatever it was, I was doing it wrong.
It was about this time my therapist suggested I treat going complaint-free as an experiment: “You don’t know how this is going to come out. Just see where it goes.”
That got the inner critic off my back. I began to wonder what it would be like to be someone who didn’t want to complain or criticize. Someone like the Dalai Lama who, when asked why he wasn’t bitter about having lost everything to the Chinese, replied: “Having taken everything from me, shall I also give them my mind?”
It seemed to me that the Dalai Lama wasn’t just countering each negative in his life with a sunny, positive affirmation, nor was he hiding in the house. He was doing something else, something much more muscular. But what?
This was the right question to ask, apparently, as it ushered in a new stage which I’d have to call personal growth on crack. I’ve never been more aware of my thoughts, my emotions and the utter uselessness of believing I know how anyone’s story should turn out, including my own. This makes it easier to leave all that alone and just be present with the person I’m talking or listening to. And, what a relief!
It started with noticing how the temptation to complain, criticize or gossip stemmed from fear. Once I saw that my inner critic was terrified, he became much easier to befriend. When that was working better, I started losing interest in all things negative. Which is when the resources started showing up. Things I hadn’t asked for. Things I wouldn’t have known to ask for. Like the conversation on how one tiny negative cancels a positive every time on Liz Strauss’s blog.
Two lines in her original post riveted me:
“…when we hold a negative thought we’ve already chosen sides.
Even the tiniest negative makes it about me, not about where we might go.”
And, her response to a comment of mine about how for me, negativity is always the result of fear, made a light-bulb go off:
“Any time that I start to put a negative spin on things, it’s because I’m turning over power and control to someone other than me. I’m making them more, larger, better, bigger, and important than I am. 
When I endow that someone with humanity, life becomes easier again.”
It took me the better part of a day to metabolize this thought and the cascade that followed. The upshot is this: Stuck people stick people. When I’m stuck, it’s because I’m not endowing myself with humanity. I’m too busy holding myself to some impossible standard to extend you the possibility of being human.
I love this idea of humanity making life easier. So, my current plan is to endow myself with enough humanity that I’ll have plenty to give away. I’m punching my ticket and letting myself into the human clubhouse, warts and all. And. I’m leaving the door open so you can join me.
I’m imagining for some of you, this is already easy. I could use your help. How do you make it OK for yourself and others to be human?