I love the most recent post on Ask a Manager. In it, Manager deftly mines the results of a Cornell study on incompetent people for excellent advice to managers. Bottom line: the incompetent are too incompetent to recognize their own shortcomings, so you must be explicit and specific with your feedback. I won’t repeat the rest of AaM’s post here. It’s excellent, short and well worth a read.

In fact, go read it now, then come right back. I want to tell you how to know when your feedback has hit the mark. After all, you don’t want to be heavy-handed or rude, and you do want to have an effect. Knowing about the normal response to feedback helps you gauge your own behavior. Knowing that you have to stick with it all the way through each of the responses below helps you not quit too soon.

(I’m indebted to the late Brendan Reddy and his partner, Chuck Phillips of Reddy-Phillips for the information that follows. Not only did they teach it in a seminar, they indavertently demonstrated it with each other right in front of us all, and had the good grace to laugh about it.) The person receiving the feedback responds in pretty much this order:

1. First, they reverse blame. The most famous public instance sounds like this “You should have spoken up sooner, Anita Hill.” Reversing blame means you use some sort of magical thinking to make the giver of feedback responsible for your behavior. In the world of work, it might be: “You didn’t tell me I was supposed to get that in this Thursday.”

2. They intellectualize or minimize the effect of their actions. “Well, how often does this happen, really?” “It’s no big deal.” “I don’t think anyone noticed.” “Studies show that .01% lead in drinking water is safe, so how big a deal is a momentary spike of 200? We caught it right away.”

3. They argue intent versus effect. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your boss and co-workers. I think that story about you and the diaper pail makes you sound more human.” Or, “That was your boss? Oh…I never meant to imply there was anything shady about that deal. You have to believe me.”

Of course they didn’t mean to – the fact is they did. Feedback is never about someone’s intent – they are the expert on that. It’s always about the effect they’ve had on you – and you are the expert on that. Validate their good intent, and separate it from the bad effect on you. Stick with it until you hear them say “I can see how that would have been embarrassing/might have ended your career here.”

4. They defend or agree with you. Which is the same thing. Defending goes like this: “That’s not what happened at all!” Agreeing sounds like this: “Yeah, I know. I always do that. I’m just not someone who can be on time.”

In either case, you get the feeling of elusiveness. There is no connection, no give and take. In the defensive reaction, there is rigidity or rejection and no interest in strengthening the relationship; in agreeing there is collapse and no interest in strengthening the relationship.

The situation would seem dire and you might give up right here if you didn’t know that the next predictable response to feedback is:

5. Listening/hearing. Listening always asks for more information or offers a paraphrase that shows they got it - really got it. And from that comes learning, a renegotiated agreement and a strengthened relationship.

I have this theory: I think when we get a strong reaction like any of the first four above, we begin to think we’re doing it wrong, and we stop. But that’s not necessarily so. Even when you’re doing it right, this is the path the brain takes on its way to learning. Who knew?

Now that it’s getting dark earlier, I hear the sound of taps each evening as it wafts over from Coast Guard Island. I know the bugle is recorded - it’s too perfect not to be. It’s sometimes a little late too - at 5:05, not 5:00 sharp. And, it has nothing to do with me. It’s pure coincidence that my office is separated from a Coast Guard base by only a narrow estuary. Like the rest of their announcements and drills, the bugle should be easy to ignore.

Why then do I have so much trouble concentrating on my work after the last note of Taps dies away? Why do I feel compelled to pack up and go home, like I’m late for an appointment? My sense of urgency surprises me.

I remember the sound of the bugle at girl scouts, summer camp, the race track I worked at one summer. When I hear a bugle, I know I’m supposed to be somewhere. With my whole group. Now.

The ritual signals commitment. The commitment of a group to a single activity.

A manager I work with recently started meeting with his leadership group every morning. He also printed out the entire department’s daily focus and distributed it to each worker. There was no other way to show his commitment to improving attendance, customer care and accountability. When someone failed to show up, they heard about it immediately. Within a week, his meeting went from being barely to fully attended. The department production stats got better as people focused on the right work each day. People looked and sounded more interested in their work. The team started taking ownership for the department. And that was only a week’s worth of ritualized commitment.

It seems the 3-step process that leads to this is fail-proof:1. Commit to a goal (play the guitar, for example). 2. Commit to an achievable process, or ritual, for achieving that goal (practice 5 minutes a day).3. Follow up and persist (missed today, will practice earlier in the day tomorrow).

What experience have you had with committing to a ritual?

This one is really easy to use - and effective. Here’s the typical scenario: You suggest a course of action Someone else raises an objection to your suggestion. Someone else makes alternate suggestion; again someone makes an objection.

This can go on for hours. Days, even. It’s like Wimbledon, but without the volleying.

Your group begins to lose energy and grows quiet. Over time, they get discouraged. Subtly, at first, camps form: There is the postiive or “proactive” camp, and the naysaying or “reactive” camp. Although these are false divisions, they take on a life of their own. Members of each camp come into your office after the meeting to lobby you. You have a headache and no time for all these meetings about the meeting. You want the ideas expressed in the meeting where everybody can respond to them, not in the meetings about the meeting, which only you can hear.

This is easy and fun to change. The next time someone - anyone - raises an objection in a meeting:

1. interrupt them
2. paraphrase their objection, and
3. ask them to make a suggestion or a proposal. “Got it, Jim, you object because that approach is too slow; what ideas do you have about what will work?” Or, “I’m hearing a lot about what won’t work - I want some proposals about what will work. Let’s hear some suggestions.”

Critical for success:

The interrupting is crucial. Don’t just cut them off though - make sure you understand their point and can paraphrase it back to them. On the other hand, waiting for them to finish may take too long. We’ve all been in the position of having the floor and being unable to utter a cogent sentence. Sometimes being interrupted and correctly paraphrased is a gift. Let the giving begin! Interrupt as politely as you can, but interrupt.

Be clear about why you’re doing this. You are not an ogre. Mostly. They are not stupid and bad. Mostly. You all have some bad habits. You’re all getting stuck on side of the brain that likes to pick at things, rather than the side that likes to create things. No wonder you’re tired!

Steer clear of Robert’s Rules. Just because you use the word “proposal” doesn’t mean you are now moving and amending and voting and have to buy a gavel. Eeuw. You are creating and building on each other’s ideas. If this goes according to plan, you won’t have time for the General Bob’s stuffy language and convoluted procedures.

In no time at all, your team members will be prompting each other in this way. The naysayer camp will evaporate. No one will be allowed to maunder on about why something won’t work. Instead, they’ll already have an idea or suggestion. Your meetings will be lighter, more productive and much more energizing. This single thing will change the energy of your meetings.